Ep. 3: Fake Confidence vs. Real Confidence

Hi all, 

Let's dive right in. One recurring question that comes up from people is how am I able to be so confident in everything I do. This question pops up even more when there is backlash or when what I say or do is so different from the rest. 

I've received this question a lot when it comes to spirituality, and being open about my own beliefs on public platforms, or when it comes to sharing my truth, knowing that there will be backlash that comes from it. 

So, what a better way to answer this question than with a podcast. 

I sat with this question for years, because to me, confidence is just something I was born with. Which confuses people because I also lacked a lot of self worth and had a lot of insecurities. So, many people wonder how I was able to act confidently while I was struggling mentally with so many things. 

The way I see it, confidence and self-worth are two different things. You could be someone that struggles to see your worth, but you are confident in who you are. For example, you could be confident as you walk down the street in an outfit, but you lack the ability to see how beautiful or handsome you are. You could  feel at home when you speak to a crowd full of people, but you struggle to see that you're worth more than the crowd you're speaking to. You could be confident about the fact that your body looks this way right now, but your legs might be an insecurity you try to hide. 

The way I see it is this: confidence is your aura. self-worth and insecurity is what's happening behind the aura. 

Confidence is what you show the world, and the shadow of insecurity or self-worth is what you live with in private. 

You can fake one, you can't fake the other. 

That's why you see a lot of people who act confidently in front of people but they're miserable inside; confidence becomes their mask. They study what confidence looks like, how to dress, how to speak, how to shake hands, etc. and they act like it, without really working on what's happening underneath, because the sole act of being confident gets them the praise they're looking for deep within. By acting confident, they are able to feel validation, something that they might be seeking to ease the pain of the insecurity they have within. 

So, when it comes to confidence, you have a choice: do you want to simply act like you're confident or do you want to be confident?

One requires a mask, the other requires deep inner work. 

I'll talk about both here, but I want to start with the inner work, first, because I think it's the most important. 

Confidence, true confidence, comes from being able to see yourself first, and to be okay with who you in the present moment. If you're looking at yourself in the mirror and you don't like what you see, to the point where you feel uncomfortable going outside, that is the work you must start with. 

Real, true confidence is looking at yourself in the mirror and saying: I'm okay with where I am at right now. I am willing to change it and improve on it, but there is nothing else I can do in this exact moment to change who I am, in this second, so I'm going to accept it. That's what confidence is - true acceptance of self. 

Let's start with the body, because most of the time that's where a lot of people struggle with self-acceptance: the body. Let's say you're currently in a body shape you don't like, or that you want to change. The first step, is accepting where you're at and being honest with yourself about how you got there, why you got here, and where you want to go from here. Honesty is also a massive part of being confident, because that's what allows you to see yourself first. If you're not honest about where you're at and you continuously lie to yourself about who you are, because you can't accept it, you're never going to be able to be confident because you're constantly going to have to avoid certain mirrors or conversations in order to feel confident. Being confident is accepting yourself without putting permanence to who you are also. 

This is where self-acceptance is. It's that no matter where you're at in life, you know who you are. You're okay with who you are, and you see your strength within you.

I'm getting ahead of myself now though. 

Let's go back to the self-acceptance of the body. So, you looked at yourself in the mirror and you agreed that this is where you are now. The next step is looking at your clothes and asking yourself: are the clothes I have making me feel confident in the body I have or not? Are the outfits you choose to wear fitting for your body shape at the moment or are they what you wish you could be wearing? 

It's great to have clothes and outfits that would look good in the body you want to get to,  but are they making you feel good when you wear them? When you go out in public, do the clothes make you feel good in your body or are you constantly pulling your shirt down, bringing your jeans up, and feeling uncomfortable all throughout the night? Confidence is comfort, it's safety. It's feeling good in the present moment. 

Now this is where people get stuck often times, because if you're manifesting a body of a certain body shape, why would you not dress like that person now to manifest it? But manifestation isn't about what you have, it's about the feeling you have. When you're going to reach your dream body, are they going to be confident in their physique? Hell yeah. So, that's the energy you have to embody. So that's where the work comes in from around you where you have to find a way to embody the comfort you want to be in when you're going to reach your dream body. You might not be able to wear the clothes you want just yet, that's fine. By wearing clothes that make you feel confident though, you're going to feel better throughout the day or night, and that good feeling you're gonna have, it's gonna show in your conversations, handshakes, and sense of belonging. 

Let's say you don't like your arms, until you feel comfortable and at ease in a tank top, don't wear it. because, if you look at yourself in the mirror and your hate yours arms, guess what's going to happen when you go outside? You're going to keep thinking about the fact that your arms look that way, and you're going to think that everybody else thinks the same thing. Now, people truly do not care about the same things we do about ourself. A lot of people are insecure about certain things that other people can't even notice, so I guarantee you people won't judge you for having arms that you don't like; but you act uncomfortable and antsy in that outfit, they're going to notice. That's when they start asking themselves questions: oh, why are they uncomfortable?

When you're confident, no one wonders what's wrong with you, because you don't think there's anything wrong with you, because, in this exact moment, you're completely okay with who you are. That's where it starts. Full self-acceptance. And when you fully accept yourself and who you are in the present moment, you can also start diving deeper into your being. You dive deeper into the person you are today, and you can do the same thing with the person you want to be eventually. 

So, let's say you want to be different, right, well you have to know who you are today first to be able to see what you need to touch on and improve on to become who you want to be tomorrow. You have to accept that you're where you're at to be able to start improve. If you don't accept the fact that you weight 150lbs, for example, how do you expect to get to 200lbs or 120lbs, whatever your goal is.

Now, the deep inner work that comes with self-acceptance. 

So, you want to accept yourself and your position in the world right? You need to know yourself. You need to know absolutely every little thing you have inside of your soul and mind. You need to know your biggest insecurities, you need to be aware of your darkest side, you need to know what triggers you, what doesn't and you need to know what makes you great as well. You need to know your strengths, build onto those strengths and accept those strengths. Humbleness is only beneficial to the rest of the world, not you. Humbleness is only beneficial to the people around you that require you to be humble. Humbleness also comes naturally with confidence, let me also add this. 

When you're confident, what you talk about is your reality. You're not going to feel the need to add fluff or to brag, because you're okay with who you are. People who are at a different level than you, most of the time lower, might think you're bragging when you say you just bought a boat, but someone who has five boats is just enjoying the conversation. So, who do you surround yourself with? Are you surrounding yourself with people who see how you live your life are bragging or humbleness because it's natural to them as well to live that lifestyle. 

When you know yourself fully, there is nothing you can do that will be seen as not being humble by people who share the same energy confidence as you. 

So, to go back to self-acceptance and inner work. Knowing yourself -- crucial in the process of embodying confidence, because in that moment, when you know yourself fully, you are able to work through other things, like shame, guilt or self-hatred as well. When you are willing to accept the fact that you feel shame for having a certain body type, for example, because you were shamed for it your entire life,  you're able to start working on your shame wound to release its power over you. So, when you show up in certain rooms, you're not going to show up with shame, because you were able to accept the fact that you have shame, and then you worked on releasing it. 

It all goes together. Same thing with all insecurities and lack of self-worth. Accept, first of all that you have those wounds, and then work on releasing them. Get to yourself enough to know every facade you have, and when you do that, you're going to be confident in everything you say and everywhere you show up, because you will know why you show up there and you will know why you say the things that you do. 

When the backlash last year happened on Social Media, about the closed practices, yes, I still have it on my heart because it traumatized me more than I'd like to admit. During that time though, everybody was trying to tell me I was wrong, and I stood my ground in knowing that I was right. To this day, I am still extremely confident in my channel back then and in what I had to say, even the insults I threw at people, I said it with my chest, why? Because I know myself. Because I know who I am, I accept who I am, and I'm okay with who I am. I'm okay with being a white girl that channels Oshun. I'm okay with being a white girl that cusses out an entire community. I accept that part of myself, and when there was shame that came through, instead of just giving in to it, I sat with it, to release it. To remember that I have nothing to be ashamed of, because I was confident in what I felt more so than what the world told me. 

Which brings me to the next topic of this conversation: trusting yourself. Confidence comes with trusting what you see, what you believe in, and where you're at more than what the world says about it. 

Now that you worked on your self-acceptance, and then the wounds that hinder your self-acceptance, you have to work on trusting yourself. Trusting that where you're at right now is needed. Trusting that who you are right now is exactly right. Trusting that what you have to say right now is exactly what needs to be said. What you do after, in the comfort of your own home and with your journal, is between you and you. You can work on deciphering what you said to do it differently, if you didn't like it, after. But in the moment,  you have to remind yourself that you said the right thing because there is nothing that you say that is wrong. Because you trust who you are today to know what's right from wrong. 

That comes from that inner knowing, because you know yourself fully, you are able to trust yourself. How do you expect to trust someone you don't know? You can't. Same thing goes with yourself. A lot of people claim to trust themselves but when you ask them questions about who they are, you realize they have no idea who they are. They're strangers to themselves, and that's where they start faking confidence. 

Now, fake confidence and masked confidence is easily seen by someone who is naturally and authentically confident. You see it right away, in the mannerisms, in the jokes, in the way they speak, and in the way they look at you. You see it immediately that they they're trying to act like someone they're not. True confidence is natural, and that's why I always say that confidence is quiet and insecurity is loud. 

True confidence doesn't require you to play a game, because you're completely okay with who you are, so there's no need for games. Now, confidence looks different for every person. One person's authentic confidence will be looking at people in the eyes, whereas others will be to wear sunglasses inside. One person's authentic confidence will be to be talkative at the table, whereas someone else's will be to sit an observe. Either way, regardless of what confidence looks like to you, it feels natural, not forced, that's how you know. 

Masked confidence are people who feel the need to hide themselves from the world and from themselves. They are insecure about something, let's say, but they don't want the world to know about that insecurity so every move they make will be to hide that part of themselves. They will get triggered when their insecurity is mentioned. A good example is narcissists: when you question a narcissist, they flip.Because they don't want the world to know who they really are because they're not okay with it. So, they will act confident but all of a sudden their confidence becomes loud and triggered. It's no longer natural, because it's a mask that touches a big wound. If you want to learn what a masked confident person is, observe a narcissist. They will often times be everything the textbook confident tells them to be, but there will be something that feels off. Their shoulders might be tense, their posture might feel forced, their tone of voice might sound weird; because they're not embodying their true self, they're trying to appear confident. 

I'm going to touch quickly on a final thing here, manifesting. When who you are is further away from who you want to be, faking 'til you make it is the vibe, but the subtle difference here is that when you fake it 'till you make from a place of self-acceptance and inner knowing, you are truly manifesting. When you're faking it just so the universe looks at you and is like: omg they're embodying the life they want to live, but without the actual inner work, you're just trying to play games, that's not manifesting. The Universe doesn't see masks, or colours of the skin or gender matter of fact, they see only energy.

So, if you know yourself and accept yourself truthfully now, and you want to be someone else, your higher self let's say - you do the same thing. You get to know who you want to be: how do they dress? how do they think? how do they speak? what is their energy like? 

You get to know the version of you that you will become, and therefore everything you do will feel natural because you will embody the confidence of the person that you want to become. That's the goal. If your future self is married with kids let's say, it's not about the kids or the spouse, it's about how you feel. You need to embody that energy confidently, and it's through accepting that you want that version of yourself to exist, first of all, and then accepting that you might not be there yet, but that you're willing to do the inner work to get there. 

Then, everything you do, you will do with confidence, because you will have a clear view of who you want to be, a clear view of who you are, and through the inner workings, you will know exactly that every step you take will be done with intention for you to get to the version of yourself to want to be. 

This chapter is getting long, but confidence truly is just living in the present moment for yourself more than anything else. That's why I never listen to anybody's opinion or advice, because, to me, that doesn't matter. I'm the only one that needs to be okay with myself. I'm the only one that needs to be okay with my decisions. If I'm okay with my decisions, my life, and my goals, no one else needs to be okay with them, and I'm able to be vocal about my life, my journey, my being without worry. Okay, okay, one final thing for real now: shut up. 

While you're working on your insecurities and self-worth and self-acceptance, shut up. That's also one thing I always do --I never talk about something I'm not confident about until I fully accept it to be true or real. If you're not confident about something, don't mention or avoid the conversation altogether, but do it confidently. Meaning that, you know you're not confident about that subject yet, because there are still wounds, you're aware of it, you accept it, and you ask for the conversation not to be brought.