You don't need to heal people pleasing, you need to channel your love better

One day, you have to admit you've done all the work you were meant to do and take the jump into the next stage of healing: mastery. 

So many people get stuck in the loop of continuous work, revisiting the same wounds over and over again, without ever having the courage to step out of the wound itself, that they forget to actually arrive to their destination. Once you arrive, the work is different, on another level. 

Let's take people pleasing for example. I went to therapy today and my therapist said that I have people pleasing tendencies, and automatically, I said: no, I healed those. It felt hard to say that at first, because my survival brain was like -that's denial or avoidance. That's what my brain has been programmed to believe, so many years in survival and healing. It can get addicting, so addicting, so I understand when people get stuck in that loop of forever healing, forever growing. But if you're forever healing and forever growing on the same things, are you really growing and healing?

The purpose of healing is to heal out of certain patterns to heal the next one, not to stay stuck in the same loop of healing. It's not because you started therapy with daddy issues that you're gonna be working on your daddy issues forever, eventually you have to move to mommy issues, or your anger, for example. Other parts of healing. That requires change though, uncontrollable and unknown change, and that's what's scary. Because when you step out of one healing pattern, you face two things: self-worth and unknown. 

Your self-worth is challenged: are you really done with that wound? Did you really succeed at doing all the work? 

Your fear of the unknown is challenged: what is going to await you in this next stage of healing? What are you going to face now in this next step?

For me, when I had to tell her that I didn't have people pleasing tendencies, I felt guilty, because I didn't want to look like I was in denial. I didn't want to be the type of person that is in denial, and I remember when people would comment on my TikTok videos that I was going through whatever they projected onto me, I had to repeat over and over again: no that is not true. People called me all the names in the books, why? Because I knew myself and I wasn't afraid to stand up and admit that I was done healing something that maybe, they, didn't. 16:00

Now, I'm someone who's extremely self-aware, to the point where it can get annoying. I've had many therapists tell me I'm too cerebral, and you know, I get it, feel not think, but it's also my strength. My self-awareness and connection to my intuition allows me to know when I'm done with something. The challenge is accepting it. 17:25

I had to accept that I was done with the people pleasing, in that moment in therapy, and that I was ready to tackle the next stage of that core wound: channeling my love towards myself. 

Now this is going to blow your mind in the same way it did mine. 

On my drive home from therapy, I stopped by a poke bowl station to get myself a treat for having another breakthrough in therapy - not this one, another one, but that one will be for another podcast, keeping this breakthrough for myself first. On my drive, I saw an ex-employee of mine, that I absolutely loved, but that didn't show me the same love in return when things ended. I saw her outside her, what I assume, is her new place of work, with her, what I assumed, was her new puppy. Because I was so happy in that moment, knowing I had a breakthrough in therapy, had yummy food waiting for me, and was about to have the most amazing afternoon possible for myself, I was full of love. I wanted to swerve my car and go say Hi to her, even give her one of my poke bowls (I had two, got a special on the second one so I just got two to eat later in the week, because, why not). That's where I caught myself: was that people pleasing? Did I want her to love me, is that why I wanted to go say hi to her and be nice to her, even though she didn't really deserve it? Is that why I wanted to give her my food - did I want her to like me?

To be honest, no. I couldn't give two fucks about her liking me or not, I made my peace with our professional relationship, but I was full of love, and I needed to give that love to someone. 

It was no longer about people pleasing, because I envisioned myself giving her the food and I didn't want anything in return, hell, I didn't even want her to contact me after, I didn't want to have a relationship with her in any way, shape or form. I just needed to give this love I had in my heart to someone, because that's all I knew what to do with that type of love. That's when I realized, I never learned how to channel the love and light I have in my heart for myself, I learned how to channel it for other people. 22:40

That wound was hidden under the wound of people pleasing. I needed to heal my people pleasing tendencies to be able to get to the next stage of working through that wound, which is to please myself now. I no longer feel the need to please others or to have others like me, but now I realized - I don't know how to please myself. THAT'S progress in healing. THAT'S working on healing with progress in mind, not just for the sake of saying you're healing. 

It's being willing to look at your wounds and be done with one layer to jump to the next one, because when you start healing, you are only hitting the surface. I told my therapist today: I feel like I'm looping in the same things, whenever I restart therapy or journal, I'm revisiting the same things over and over again, I want to be done with them. I don't need to work on those things, I mastered them. Now, on the outside, it might look like denial, but when you've done the work, you don't see it as denial, you see it for what it is: graduation onto the next stage. 

Which brings me to the next point: may this also be your reminder that people will only see you based off of where they are at. If they, themselves, have never graduated out of a healing pattern, they will never be able to see you graduating. They will always invalidate your progress and graduation because they never succeeded, so they don't know that that exists. People who have never experienced something will never truly see you when you are experiencing it, they will view your success with their lack goggles on, and they will invalidate you. 28:00

That's why surrounding yourself with the right people is so important, yourself being number one. YOU need to see yourself as someone who is able to graduate, who has done enough to be able to graduate. If you don't believe you can graduate out of a wound, you will always be stuck healing it and repeating it. You will subconsciously bring yourself back into that wound and into that loop because you don't know what to expect on the other side and the unknown is too scary to think about, because it requires self-applause. It requires you to see yourself as worthy of graduating, first and foremost. 

Do YOU think you're capable of fully healing your people pleasing tendencies?

If the answer is no, start there. Why not? Why do you think you're forever going to be stuck healing it? Why do you think you're forever going to be stuck dealing with it and going to therapy for it? 

START THERE. Before you even start with healing - do you see yourself graduating? Then the layers will come in to help get you to the reason why you don't see yourself as good enough to graduate. It took me a long time for me to see myself as worthy of healing. It was through a lot of vulnerability I showed on TikTok that I was able to vocalize to the world, and most importantly, to myself, that I was done. I don't work well with bullies, they hate me, because I become stubborn in reminding them that they ain't shit. So, the universe knew exactly how to get me to have confidence in myself when it comes to my healing: face me with some bullies who projected their insecurities onto me, where I had no choice but to stand up for myself and yell out that they're wrong. 

Through that process, I start believing in what I was saying more and more too. I started seeing that I was truly done working on the wounds I knew, and I was ready to learn the next step. Learning how to channel love for myself is new. I personally was never taught that. My instinct is to share the love and give it to people around me, because it feels overwhelming inside of me. So, I share it unconditionally. Now, I have to learn to set even stronger boundaries when I am happy and loving, because it's an automatic programming in my mind. I have boundaries with people, I know who to give to and who not to give to, but when I'm full of love and happiness, it's like all that is thrown out the window. I automatically forgive everyone around me and start giving them love as if we were best friends, but that's also not okay for my own sense of self. 

I don't have to give love to people who don't deserve it. Now, I get to choose where I place that love. I know I have that love, I'm channeling that love into myself, and now I get to overwhelm myself with my own love, and when there's extra love to give, I get to choose where I place it, and I place it with boundaries. Being aware of the pattern I'm breaking now is going to make the process easier, and being aware that I'm done with people pleasing and starting work on a new cycle helps me be motivated to continue. 

Because let's be honest, we talk about people pleasing so much, we forget to talk about what comes after it. In all healing terms; a lot of people throw the first level/layers out into the open because they're the most common ones, but what about the next layers? What about what happens after you heal them? Let's start talking about those things, because I don't know about you, but I don't want to be dealing with the same things forever, I want to progress. I want to know I'm working towards an arrival point, not just in a circle. 

Arriving is part of the healing process. Dealing with the fears and resistance that come up when you are arriving is also part of the process. It took me time to confidently say that I'm done with people pleasing tendencies; the first time I said it, I wasn't too sure about it, even though I knew it was right. Thinking that I was done with something, when I didn't have an exam to give me a grade or a lighting strike from the universe telling me that I was right, was weird. It was me. I had to be the one to say - I'm done. 

 We are the creators of our Universe, you get to exit the timeline you're in whenever you want. You get to exit the hell loop you're living in whenever you want. You get to choose. What most people do is get lost in the loop, because when there are triggers that come up, they see them as an opportunity to stay stuck in the same loop. They see it as an opportunity to not open the door out of the hell loop. That's the usual thing, right? 36:15

I actually told my therapist today; my feelings of the past are distractions. At first, she thought I was avoiding my feelings, but after talking to her more, we both realized that my flashbacks and fears from the past were actually really distractions from my subconscious mind to keep me from opening the door and getting to the next level. Because by bringing the flashbacks back, I would automatically spiral into: why is it still coming back, that means I'm not done dealing with them, that means I'm not done learning, etc. I would spiral into rage this time though. I was angry, because I knew deep down I was done with those things. The last couple of days I started saying out loud: those are distractions, they're trying to bring me back to the old. By saying this out loud instead of letting myself spiral into a reaction, it detached me from them, and I was able to see the pattern and to recognize what was happening better. 

The subconscious mind evolves; the deeper you heal and the deeper you tap into your subconscious programming, the more it adapts to your progress. Your biggest challenge isn't the trauma, it's your adaptive brain. It's uncovering how your brain adapted itself to create resistance this time around. That's the real challenge. Once you allow yourself to see things from a different perspective, you'll be able to work with your subconscious mind more easily, and breakthroughs are going to be easier.  38

So, I'm leaving you with this piece of wisdom: where in your life are you currently staying in a loop out of fear of progressing? What are you scared of losing if you dare say: I'm done? I've learned everything I needed to learn, I am ready for more? 

For some of you, it might leaving the toxic relationship you keep yourself in because you tell yourself it's healing you. 

For others, it might be the job you're staying in because you think you're still gaining experience. 

For a couple of you, it might be that healing loop keeping you from being brave because you still think you have things to accomplish before you're able to be confident. 

Where are you keeping yourself stuck, and how can you start working towards acceptance that you're done?

 

Listen to the podcast for this episode on Shaiia Talks Podcast